As an external coach, working with managers and employees, one question frequently comes up: “Why can’t the person who has a problem with me come and talk to me directly?”
There are many reasons people hesitate to deal with a person they have issue with:
- They don’t want to escalate the issue
- They don’t want to cause a rift in a work relationship
- They may fear being labeled a **** disturber
- They don’t know how to talk about the problem
- They believe conflict is synonymous with fighting and they don’t like fighting
My own research, observations and experience point to these 10 tips for handling conflict:
- Don’t react… respond. As difficult as it may be, take some time out. Take the time to get some perspective on the issue at hand before you say anything. Cool down and take a close look at where your reactions and emotions are coming from. This is tough for me and for many other people. But the first step to positive change is awareness.
- Seek first to understand. I find it terribly easy to just write off anyone I’m having conflict with as an “idiot”. There must be something wrong with them if they think “whatever it is that’s different than the way I see it”!Painfully, I’ve learned that when I discover the other person’s perspective, it makes sense, too. How much better to ask for the other person’s perspective before I fly apart on them! I really don’t like humble pie.Learn to really listen to the other person’s perspective. Step into their shoes for just a minute. It’s amazing how different things may look from where they stand.Once you’ve heard the other person out, you can reasonably ask them to listen to, and hear, your side.
- Be aware of your feelings. I had a couple of instances in the past two weeks, where I was immediately angry. Fortunately, the second time I was with a friend who made me stop and take a look at my feelings. “What are you afraid of here?” she asked.Now that stopped me in my tracks. I know fear is usually the feeling that lies directly under anger.Yup, that’s exactly what was happening for me at the time.The fear I was feeling was of someone else “taking me for a fool.” Other fears that can lead to anger are: being taken advantage of; losing control; having something taken away (as when someone else takes credit for your work); being falsely accused of something; even fear of losing one’s job or status.The interesting thing about becoming aware of the feeling underneath my anger, was the intensity of the feeling disappeared very quickly.
- Focus on the issue, not the other person. As much as you may passionately dislike the person you are in conflict with, stick to the facts. Bringing personality traits into the picture will only make matters worse. State your case calmly, clearly and factually.
- Focus on mutual problem solving. Ask a few simple questions: What happened here? How can we solve the problem now? How can we prevent a similar problem in the future? Remember: you are looking for a solution where both of you can win. If either of you walk away feeling like you lost and the other person won, you haven’t solved anything.
- Pick your fights. Parents always hear this one, and I find it’s really valuable advice. Sometimes a conflict is just not worth getting upset about. But here’s a proviso – if you find yourself talking to everyone else about it, it’s probably an issue you do need to confront with the person involved.
- If you find that calmly talking to the other person accomplishes nothing and no resolution seems possible, you have two choices:
- ask a third party for help. This may be a manager who is senior to you and the other person, or the Human Resources Department in your company, or,
- begin documenting the conflict. Keep copies of all hateful or spiteful memos, e-mails or letters. Record the time, date and circumstances of all relevant incidents. At some point you’ll need to decide who you will take your documentation to. Is there a senior manager you can approach within the company? Is your problem serious enough that you’ll be taking your documentation to a lawyer or making a human rights claim?
- Timing is everything. If you or the other person is agitated and angry, tired, or highly stressed, that’s not the best time to try to discuss your issues or problem solve. Make an appointment that will work for both of you and come back to the issue when both of you are at your best.
- Keep your negotiations private. It may seem beneficial to “have it out” in a public forum, but that’s usually not the case. Making your conflict public just creates opportunity for others to take sides. Confronting another in public also makes it more likely that things will be said that will make the situation worse. It has been my experience that taking the person I’m in conflict with aside, and speaking to them privately, has greatly increased their respect for me.
- Keep the conflict private. Not only should you speak one-on-one with the person you are having conflict with, make a commitment to limit you discussions to that person directly. It is toxic to a work environment to discuss what is going on with others. It serves no purpose other than to stir up more trouble. When you discuss a difficulty with anyone other than the other party involved, nothing will be solved. Your hard feelings, anger and resentment will build as you spread the word, creating sympathy for either yourself or the other person and polarizing the whole workplace. Bitching to others solves nothing. Be a bigger person and deal with your conflict head-on in a constructive, problem solving spirit.
Please leave your own comments and/or suggestions for handling conflict in the workplace, in the comments section.
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